Difficult Person

I was disconnected with the world. I lived mostly in my inner world. I can’t seem to understand how people live. I probably hated them. Yet, I may have been demanding understanding from them. I was unfair. I was a difficult person.

In my earliest memory, I remember the feeling of fear. I fear my parents, my brothers, and the world. They are all overwhelming. A sharp tone will make me cry, a strong stare will bother me for days; I was full of fears. And since I didn’t like the feeling, I got my guard up early on. I guarded my heart. I rarely open things about myself, so that they can’t hurt me.

I grew up shy. Also I was bullied as ugly, which I believed I was, later grew into having zero self-confidence. In contrast to those negativities, thankfully, I was gifted as an artist. With it I indulged hours and hours drawing on my own. I got disconnected more and more to the world. I lived inside my head.

I grew up with most of my time drawing. After school, I’ll draw till night. Even at school, I’ll draw. Even on the days my cousin stays here for years in my room; we’ll rarely talk, because I was drawing. I love to draw. It’s something I was really passionate about.

My walls got thicker, higher; almost impregnable.

Because of it, socializing was the hardest thing for me to grasp. It led on hurting my friends while being unaware of it. All I saw was how they fail to understand me and how they fail to realize that their values aren’t the same with mine, thus we cannot work together. It also led on being disconnected with my family while being unaware of it too. All I believed was; I need to follow orders and that’s it, that’s family.

I was such a cold person, which later garnered me the nickname, “Ice.”

But I can’t fool my heart. I drew fictional characters. Smiling, crying, hugging… interacting with each other. And there are nights that I cry by myself because I was unable to guard my heart more. I was so confused; I don’t know what to do anymore. What did I do wrong?

My bleak days got a different turn when a friend suddenly challenged my misanthropy. She follows me most of the time, smiling at me, giggling, sending me letters, paying me for my drawings and sharing me her heart. I got irritated. I have no idea why she’s doing what she’s doing. How can this person love me? I was so puzzled. I pushed her a lot, but it seems that she can still stand. She admires my inner world and the fame she thought I have, so she wants to be there. And I guess those are her reasons enough for her to pursue me as her friend.

But even if I wasn’t really famous to begin with, she still stays. Even if I don’t draw, she still stays. It’s probably the unconditional love, one person can give. While I lack the capability to do it as amazing as she do, she still continued on. Deep inside me, I admired her. If I was her, I’d probably give up the person I am pursuing, like how most of my friends did.

Additionally to that, I realized that I am also just a normal girl. I later got infatuated to an opposite gender. The feeling was new, it’s illogical. I can’t understand it, why do I have it? My behavior later got influenced by the new feeling I had. My consciousness now regards another person outside my inner world. My memories of it later garnered the collection of my embarrassing moments. My incapability to socialize well got all the assumption and failed attempts.

I got cornered; I still live in this world that I shut in. I can’t do it my way.

Thankfully, it was amazing how few people treated me despite all my failures. They weren’t scary, they don’t yell at you; instead they hug you, they smile at you, they appreciate you, they honestly appreciate your drawings which are the products of your inner world, they spend their time with you, they were patient with you.

Those were probably things I look forward to experience since childhood. I probably focused too much on what others cannot give and failed to recognize what they can. For I have lived without any financial difficulties because of my parents. For I have lived without a lot of threat from other children because of how my brothers protected me. For I have lived having access to art materials because it was provided for me. I have lived in comfort. Yes, my situation was in no way perfect, but I realized that I took my blessings for granted.

It took me years, heartaches not exclusively from romance, studies, oceans of tears, opening myself up, failures, awkward moments and various help for me to get out of my own misery. It was hard to fight the demon I bred since childhood and chose to look the other way. But I don’t want to be a difficult person anymore. I want to be who I used to seek for. As a form of gratitude to all the people who inspired me and loved me, for the very least I must do as what they did for me. I will take it for granted if I won’t participate in this ripple effect of love and kindness. I don’t want to waste the love they gave. No, I can’t have that anymore.

I believe that indeed love is what all seek. The hardest thing a person can do, yet one of the most essential. I do not say this because I believe one can easily love, no. It’s easier to be a difficult person, live in the inner world, hate people, be depressed and hate life. It’s way easier to be weak. It’s easier to succumb to darkness. Even now I struggle to love my neighbor, my family, and my friends. But I got to do it. I got to love. The love that encompasses patience, kindness, rejoices in truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.

I used to be a person screaming of help from the inside.
Now, I shall be a person capable of helping others as a form of gratitude to all who helped me.
And most of all, to thank the One who gave it all, our God.

I wholeheartedly want to say, thank you... everyone.